sweeter, better, nobler

O Chambers was sharing one of my favorite annual devotional thoughts this morning and it hits me every time.  

the things we are going through either make us sweeter, better, and nobler

or they are making us more critical, fault-finding and more insistent on our own way.

The things that happen either make us evil, or they make us more saintly,

depending entirely upon our relationship with God and its level of intimacy. 

God's purpose, every time, is absolutely oneness with Himself. 

We have all finished school, Lily is done with her final exams, and this morning was the first morning in a very long time of hot coffee on the porch swing in the sunshine with Matt, slowing it down a bit. I LOVE summer vacation and I love these crazy, popscicle-obsessed messy kids, and I love having my crew all home. We are looking for very few additional things to do this summer, and hopefully I'll hear "I'm bored!" a few hundred times :)

Matt preached a weekend revival with his good friend Ron Smith, and is planning to be back in time to preach Sunday morning here and then head to annual conference in Memphis. Our friend Hannah moved in a few weeks ago now, so having Dad gone is a bit easier with two adults, and a driving teen! 

I've gotta get to bed, but intentional and bold prayer thought keeps striking me this week:

What is God showed up tonight and said, "Everything you've prayed for for the last week, YES, done."

Would your world be any different? Would the world be any different?

Or would we just be thankful for this day? Would food just have nourished our bodies? You got a parking spot, hit a couple green lights, favorite team won?

Think about it.

Would there still be unreached people groups? Would all of your relationships be reconciled? Would there still be injustice in the world? What are you praying for? Would your lost friends still be lost?

If our prayers are not intimidating to us, they very well could be insulting to the Almighty God.

11 random richnesses of the week:

every time He is trusted.

There's a lot going on in life right now.

It exposes tender places I was unaware.

Lily drives my van to and from school every day, and on the rare day I now get to drive my car, I have to move the seat up to reach the pedals. I know what 18 means. And I know 16 is close. 

Sofie went out for cheer, worked her booty off, made the team, and then handled some complications in a way that made me proud to be her mama. On her own. Couldn't have made her or stopped her, and she just did. Now I am a cheer mom, and I'll do it...as long as it's Sofie's. 

Nora is turning double digits. My little Nora. The one we almost lost. The one everyone thinks doesn't like them. The one you have to earn.

Ben is so tall and so dirty and so tan and so intense and so obsessed with all things sports and friends and I wonder if I'll even SEE him this summer. But he hugs me fifty times a day and tells me every. single. thought.

And Memmie is turning 3 and will never remember Grandpa...or Haiti...and is the quietest, sweetest, most hilarious, busiest, opinionated thing, and I remind the Lord every day that I am so sorry I cried and cried for 9 months and thought His good gift was too much...instead of just trusting Him.

Matt pours it all out, and preaches good and heavy and loving and clear and painful truth. He teaches deep, meat not milk, and when he's not preaching, he's pastoring, listening and loving and pointing towards Jesus...much with the church and also much with the lost. It's a 24/7, 110% sport, shepherding. And he never does it sloppy or half-way. Even when no one sees. Even when no one comes. Even when no one notices. 

I do.

A few friends are facing very scary and suffering things, and it's sacred and fragile to breath out prayers for them, continually. Wishing I could DO. And doing the most important work I could. In the middle of dishes and Algebra and carpool...I'm praying, and it cannot be taken away from me, the honor.

We have extra kids and extra people all the time and I realize it's finally a season when I'm ok with that.

Jesus always said to let them come. Jesus always said to make room, hearts and homes. Jesus always said He would be enough. And while some seasons past I have questioned that, daily...I am trusting Him with that better now. He will always provide for the making room and making bandwidth for another body, a soul, a conversation, a plate, a dollar.

I miss Haiti every day, Haiti and her people. And I miss my little sister and her people.  I miss them all being a part of daily life and vice-versa.  And when it comes to Haiti and to Lisa, I wish things were different. I guess you can wish things were different while also being so thankful for the richness of His calling and His mission and His provision and His people in our lives.

I worry that I am too much. That we are too much. That people grow weary of us, always talking about Jesus, always food on Benny's face, always looking a little homeless, always feeling things way too big, always a little too loud, never dressed quite right, always taking way too long to get over our losses.  I worry that we burden more than bless, or that we'd be easier for people if we could tone it all down. Or burn it all dimmer. 

My kids are coming up too passionate and too heart, and sometimes it gets them in trouble. already. And as I'm reading them missionary martyr biographies at bedtime and memoizing passages about turning the other cheek and tearing up at every family prayer over the heavy burdens of others...as Matt's choking up in the middle of preaching his guts out and teaching the uncomfortable truths of a man who was tortured and nailed to a cross...I KNOW it's my doing, our doing, His doing, and I know it's gonna make life harder for them instead of easier. 

If I'm writing honest...and that's what writing makes me do...I worry no one actually wants us, or what we have to offer. 

And even as I say it...

Even as I say it, I know that if that is my deepest fear...then I can freely face that it is true.

I don't have anything to offer. 

In myself I've got nothing worth wanting. 

I came here with nothing. I'll peace out with nothing. And nothing I have or am is mine or eternal or worth someone wanting.

Every single beautiful or desirable thing in me and around me and through me isn't me.

I might be too much. I might not be enough. I might be both.

But the One Who Decides loves me perfectly and completely and fully and unwavering.

Do you hear me friend?

My children will always be fully known and fully loved and fully seen by Him. 

If all I can do is look to Jesus...

and if all I can give is to point to Jesus...

and if all I have of value is found in Jesus...

then me being too much or not enough or wanted or not wanted...well...

it's of no real consequence, is it. 

There is such freedom in it all boiling down just to Him. 

And HE is on the throne. Mighty and powerful and just and GOOD, salvation in His wings and redemption dripping from His fingertips and glory shone round about Him and making all things new.

King Jesus. 

My aim is to please the One who enlisted me. I will say it again. And I will say it again when I forget. And I will tell you, even when it's humbling.

King Jesus, swallowing up fear every time He is trusted. 

kindled

 Oh my lands it was a busy weekend! 

Our house was busting at the seams with people that we love and haven't seen in a very long time!

Matt grew up with the Buckners, he and Patrick born the same month of the same year to best friends. Any time we went to New Jersey from Haiti, we always stay with Aunt Lori and Uncle Terry, and a few years ago Matt spoke to Pat about getting his seminary degree so that he could do whatever ministry he felt the Lord was calling him to!  He's been a worship pastor, and now a senior pastor at a church near Pittsburg, and he and his wife and his parents all made the LONG drive to attend graduation, and to meet the professors and classmates he's studied with online but never met. 

Pat and Leanne's little only son passed into Jesus' arms while Patrick was working on this degree, and celebrating with them this outward sign that God did not leave them...not for a minute, and continues to have good plans for their lives was so sweet. We shed a lotta tears and shared a lotta laughs and spent many hours catching up and I'm just THANKFUL.

Then, the Heckmans, who we lived with for years in Haiti, also made the long drive down for Ethan, who Matt also convinced to come do his degree years ago, and who was also graduating!  Ethan's grandparents, parents, sister and new baby all came, and it was SO good to catch up with all of them, and again, to celebrate all that God has done and IS doing was precious. 

On top of all that good New Jersey family, we got to celebrate Gaga's son graduating, the youngest Friedeman graduating, several other students Matt started out at WBS graduating....and in general got to see the Lord at WORK!  We also made several new friendships, and I'm just thankful for such a rich rich weekend!

The Buckner's were not gonna leave without worshipping with us Sunday morning, and at the last minute Matt asked him if there was a song he wanted to lead us in worship in before heading back to PA.

If you want to ugly cry, listen to your husband preach Do you love Me? Feed my sheep, and then watch a man who lost his child humbly and and transparently and boldly lead a group of strangers to the throne in Gratitude, eyes.on.Jesus. 

All my words fall short
I got nothing new
How could I express
All my gratitude?

I could sing these songs
As I often do
But every song must end
And You never do

So I throw up my hands
And praise You again and again
'Cause all that I have is a hallelujah
Hallelujah
And I know it's not much
But I've nothing else fit for a King
Except for a heart singing hallelujah
Hallelujah

He stretches me, more and big and beautifully...I love seeing the Lord at work in peoples lives, and I cherish and am kindled by watching people trust Him. 

the place of prayer

A few crazy weeks have led to the finale...graduation at WBS is this Saturday and we have all kinds of loved ones graduating...from Ethan and all our Haiti Heckmans coming, to Patrick and all our family Buckners, to Gaga Beth's son and his family to the final Friedeman graduating. We're about to have a FULL house and FULL table and a FULL four days, complete with a track meet for Lily, cheer tryouts for Sofie, a baseball tournament for Coach Matt and Ben and all the normal church things. 

You can be praying for us while we celebrate and seek to love people well!

I read a powerful little line today on prayer, and it keeps coming back to me. Several prayer initiatives for the church have come to me again and again the last months, and yet busyness has given me many excuses: Leonard Ravenhill--"Poverty-stricken as the Church is today in many things, she is most stricken here, in the place of prayer.  We have many organizers, but few agonizers; many players and payers, few pray-ers; many singers, few clingers; lots of pastors, few wrestlers; many fears, few tears; much fashion, little passion; many interferers, few intercessors; many writers, but few fighters.  Failing here, we fail everywhere."

I have badly missed writing and am bringing it back...thank you for being my praying people. 

strong and kind

I'm not sure why the school calendar also goes crazy the week of Easter, but it did, and we've all been hanging in there by a thread! National Honor Society induction, Spring prom, two trips to the pediatrician this week, Maundy Thursday services, Good Friday services, and the normal school, Wednesday night Bible study, etc...it's been FULL. 

Far heavier was the shocking news Monday morning that one of our fellow pastor's daughter was killed instantly in a car accident on her way to school in Jackson that morning. Beautiful, blond, 23. How full the week was of tears and prayers for that precious family, how heavy and different the weight and glory of Easter. Add a gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, hope-clinging funeral to the week. 

I was assigned in the middle to share a short devotional at church on one of Jesus' last phrases, "Woman, behold your son...Behold your mother!" and at first glance, I really did not know what else to say about that. 

'Till I took a breath and stopped. Till I took the kiddos all outside with my Bible and notebook and got them playing so I could pray...Lord, show me something.

Instead He brought instantly to my mind a song Ben and Nora sing every year at their Friday homeschool co-op. Jesus, strong and kind.

He here was, suffering greatly, agony, doing what He came to DO. He'd been on divine mission and was at the end, and He was doing it. Gasping. Agonizing. Strong.

And He stepped out of His dying focus for a minute with tender eyes...on human relationships. ALSO a part of His divine mission : community.

And there at the cross, literally at the foot, he took two people who did NOT share blood, and made them family. By HIS blood. There in the middle of His suffering, He anticipated the CHURCH, and made family through HIS blood two people who were not. 

A different family.

A family who shared His blood. A family marked by self-sacrifice. A family marked by mutual responsibility. A family centered on Christ.

This is what He does, strong and kind....takes away the sins of the world AND plants entirely different kinds of community, different kinds of family.

I couldn't help but think of my mom, suffering those last weeks in the hospital, praying endlessly for the future gaps she would be leaving, almost unaware in her suffering that I was in the room listening. I heard her pray for the gaps in my dad's life. I heard her pray for the Lord to send a mother to watch my sister play softball, to sit where she should be sitting. I heard her pray for the Lord to fill the gap she was leaving at my future wedding, at my brother and sister's future weddings. I heard her pray for the Lord to send men and women to fill the gaps she was leaving for future grand-babies. In her suffering, she focused on relationships in a totally self-sacrificing and Christ-centered way.

It's why we can't just be individual Christians who don't go to church. It's why we can't live as monks on poles, worshipping God and focusing on Him but entirely neglecting mutual-care and relationship. It's why it doesn't MATTER how broken the church is! We've gotta be it, in it, a part of it, Woman, behold your son! Friend, behold your mother!

It says at the end of that passage in John that from that moment on, John took her home with him and lived as if she were his mother. From that moment, Jesus said HIS blood made them TRUE family.

What did He NOT do that Good Friday?? What good work did He NOT complete with Easter? Not just saving us from our sins...not just redeeming pain...not just defeating death...not just making heaven possible...not just atoning for us...not just filling all the gaps...not just paying the price...not just laying in the beds that WE'VE made...not just drinking the cups of God's wrath WE've absolutely poured for ourselves...He also showed us what HIS family looks like...and led the way.

man. 

the richness.

Mallory, my sister because of JESUS blood, is whole and with Him and finally complete, no more crying, no more pain. Her parents, my family because of Jesus' tenderness, can be carried again and again to His throne, tears in His eyes with them, by me. My parents, whole and free and His name on their foreheads are not missing out on anything, but the Lord has filled their gaps again and again with Himself....

Again and again the Lord has been on His mighty throne doing important work in my life and in yours, and looks down at us with tenderness and love, and moves His people into place to be JESUS in our lives.

Oh Easter.

I needed you today.  King Jesus, strong and kind.

sunshine

We had a lovely women's conference at our church this morning with a friend of ours doing the Bible teaching. It was on "Choosing Cheer" and there were SO many great takeaways and perspective shifts. But the image she shared that probably blessed me the most was of her pup.

She spoke about how her older dog adores lying in the sunshine. How they know where to find him first thing in the morning, in the sunny square in her office.  By ten, the spot has moved to the stairs, and he lays there in the rectangle. Mid-day, there is no sun coming through the windows, and he restlessly awaits the sun-setting spots at the back of their house, contorting his body into whatever shape the sun patch is in so that he can soak up as much sunshine as possible. 

Nicolet spoke about how we often chase joy like this. We see patches of it in or near our lives and we go after it, only to find it move away a moment later. We go after it again and again, reshaping our lives to enjoy it's warmth, only to have it move away, and often times seem totally unavailable to us. 

I couldn't help but think, let that dog out in the YARD and she beat me to it : "The fullness of joy is found in HIS presence...instead of chasing sunspots, step out into the light and soak in the fullness of joy that cannot be taken away from you, that doesn't shift, that doesn't fade away."

What a GREAT image.  What a great truth. 

It's ridiculous to be chasing sun spots when the back door is wide open and He's asking us to know and experience and live in THAT kind of unwavering joy.  In this world of promised tribulation, we can be of good cheer. 

Sun-spots on the carpet are for the dogs. I don't know why I settle for so little, so often, when all that He offers is so radiant! 

His table

The Lord, man. 

Where is He not? When does He not love us enough to love us to righteousness? 

He. Always. Wants. MORE.

And that, my dear ones, is LOVE. He has in His heart this vision of who He made us to be...who He made Stacey Ayars to be...and it is FREE, it is Holy, it is fragrant, it is selfless, it is beautiful. 

And until I'm ALL THERE...He's at work.

Until I start ignoring His voice and ignoring His leading and refusing obedience, He NEVER gonna leave me alone. 

And. I. Am. So. Thankful. 

I'm so thankful He's not content with less than all of me. I'm thankful He never says, "Stacey, less than holy-as-I-am-holy, eh, good enough." 

There is ONE THING good-enough in my life. And it's Him.

Until I'm with Him, looking full in His wondrous face, Lord be at work. Love me that much. 

And He does.

He reminded me in church today again of that image of the woman He wants me to be. That woman at rest in the chair of His presence, trusting Him fully and praying for His people. He reminded me again of the fully-forgiving, fully-loving, fully-abandoned woman He wants and that the world needs. 

And He lovingly showed me where I fall short.

Once He shows us that? We can stuff it down and silence Him. Or it can change everything.

This God we have? Even what He painfully and lovingly shows us, He is ready to HELP us do.

I SEE, Lord, I prayed this morning, help me.

and He did. 

He does. 

I get thinking His table should be so many things. Should look such and such. Should have these foods, these attitudes, these blessings. Should be approached a certain way. 

And you know what He said of His table?  Come.

This is me, body and blood broken and bled. There is nothing you can do or fall short to shorten my love nor my arm. Come.

If there is NOTHING we can do to stop His love from coming after us, why can others do SO much to stop OUR love? How can THEIR shortcomings and sin keep us in unforgiveness when OURS didn't stop HIM? How can our love be limited to those who love us back, or when it is merited? When HIS love. Never. Fails. 

When the church starts looking like THIS...oh man. 

I come to the table with NOTHING. 

He meets me with ALL of Himself and the completeness of His LOVE.

If I walk away from that table with less than all that....the world is missing out and so am I. 

The only thing that stops Him from touching the broken places, from healing, from helping, from speaking, from leading...the only thing that can block Him from us is US.

I'm not content being the best person I can be.  That dream HE has for abandoned, loving and holy mirror-image children, that's the dream I want for myself, nothing less. Cost regardless.

The good word sermon the Lord used to meet me...

His bride

A good church friend took Sofie to ride horses for a bit on Tuesday, and she told me they had stopped to visit one of her friends on the way home.

She told me her friend used to be in church, but that something was said in some meeting long ago, and after that day she never went to church again. "Every time I see her, though, she tells me she's gonna get back to church one day."

I never realized how many people this is true of until I became a pastor's wife and people started telling me... and until I started seeing it for myself. 

There are a LOT of hold-ups, hang-ups, disappointments, traumas, excuses, reasons and pains keeping people out of church. I know people right now who have left the church over the music. Over the preaching. Over the people. Over a Sunday school class. Over a change. Over a person. Over covid and never went back. Over life circumstances making it hard. Over a marriage. Over a child. 

There ARE a lotta good reasons, especially since church is made up of people, and people gonna mess it up. I don't think it's often that someone leaves thinking they are out completely.  They're gonna go back. Go somewhere else. Just...not yet. Or it's complicated.  Or they don't know where to go. Or they are waiting for something. Or it's just easier. 

And I get all that. Better now than I ever have.

But I know

Jesus had a hundred good reasons not to leave that golden throne and join US. A dozen not to head to Jerusalem on that donkey, the signs all written.  At least six reasons not to head to the cross. A thousand reasons not to make himself among us. Billions of us not worthy to work with or come alongside

There are a million reasons not to be the church, not to work with church people, not to go. There are a million reasons to go a little but not really, or to quit altogether.

Everybody got a reason not to be in church. I have reasons now I never had before, pastor-wifing on the sometimes ugly inside.  We all have our reasons not to be the church. 

But it's His Bride. 

It's the Bride of Christ. 

Praise the Lord He laid down all His better reasons for us.  

The church isn't about it's people, it's worship, it's preaching, it's perfection or it's broken places. It's about HIM. And I don't have ANY reasons good enough to keep me from doing what He asks, for His reasons and for His glory (and I'm betting for my good, too.) After ALL the reasons He laid down for me, surely I can lay down my hang-up.

Give Him your reasons, let Him have them, and get to church. All the way in there, all in. 

So all in that you hurt when it hurts. 

Just like Jesus did. 

family

I've been blessed by the sunshine and blooms this week, and I've been blessed by the constant realization that for a family who has NO family within a 12 hour radius, we sure do have a lot of family.

Mr. Adrien brought fishing poles and chairs and took Ben and Nora to the pond for the day, and they are STILL talking about it. Ms. Peggy takes and watches Sofie get stronger in English riding every Tuesday, Ms. Cindy, the "Sunday Cool Teacher" as Ben calls her) came to Ben's first baseball game, Gaga works hard and faithful and patient with our slew of squirrels, and is working patiently with Emma (who adores her), as she seems to be the one who got the color-blindness of her dad and his mom. As our small group crowds into our home, as our church gathers for Bible study, as friends fold in or send over kids on different days, I'm so deeply thankful for how the Lord sends family when we need it...which is always. 

where He is, we can be too

 A few random things from a random week :)

A few of you continue to support the Ayars as missionaries to Haiti, monthly. Many of you no longer do, but you DID, many for YEARS...like, 15!  And it may not seem like it was much or is much, but that savings and that continued giving means that when we go to Haiti like we did a few weeks ago, that money is getting us on that missionary plane, taking care of us in Haiti and bringing us home. That money is going to Emmaus University in His redeeming work in Haiti...and that money is making it possible for our one-income family to keep on serving in Haiti...and it's a big deal.  THANK YOU. Thank you. Continuing to be a part of His work in Haiti is one of the richest areas of our lives and is making a difference in Haiti. If you ever wanna talk Haiti, email me!

While the kids and are feeling ready for summer vacation, I've also been feeling really rich lately to be able to homeschool this crew. It is a full-time job...it takes everything I've got, but it is also a huge gift. Lily came home this week with a list of everything she needs to take before graduation (she is a sophomore), and due to years of focused studies at home, she is two classes away from being eligible. Sofie has been struggling with some hard friend things lately, and as she shares with me what she's learning through it...I'm here for it (and what she's learning, I've had the priceless gift of teaching her all these years!) Ben and Nora and Sofie just finished memorizing Psalm 139...a Psalm we all thought would be too long to learn, and the richness of studying God's WORD in school as our truth for life...oh man. What a gift! If you ever want to talk homeschooling, email me :) If you can get a Beth to help you, all the sweeter :)

Finally, the Lord has been stretching me on a thing lately, and I wanted to share in case it may speak to you.

My whole susie-sunshine life, I have avoided sadness, depression, mourning, worry, anger and fear like the plague. In my mind, Jesus is always waiting in the joy...in the peace...in the faith...in the hope. I chase Him there, always. I hang out there, clinging, avoiding the hard places or pushing past them.  

It has been occurring to me lately, with His help, that perhaps He was has at times been waiting for me in the sadness...waiting for me in the mourning. Perhaps the anger I was avoiding, He was sitting in! Perhaps He had wanted to meet me there...and I wouldn't come...refusing to GO those places in the name of Jesus. I'm still asking Him to help me work all this through, but my point is that perhaps when you find yourself sad or angry or mourning or disappointed...it is not to be avoided, because Jesus is IN it. When we are sad, He is sad, and in our sadness He is there. In our losses, He feels the pain, and is to be found IN that pain. 

I don't think He leaves us in our broken places...but He sure does MEET us there, and as long as He's there...we can be too. That's all. 

Grateful for you friends